After work last night a co-worker and myself went to dinner. Her and I have done this many times. But this time i did not ask permission, i did not make that phone call or text to say what i was doing. I just went.

I’m sure it sounds pretty disrespectful. Well, in my case not really. I have been told by my spouse that i am not to ask where he is or where he is going. So i did the same. I have sat home many of nights eating alone waiting for him to come home. I pretty much know where he is. At our local bar with his buddies. That is decompression time. Well by the time he is done with them he is all talked out. so for me to ask how was his day, who was at the bar is a huge inconvenience. So I stopped asking. Sure i could go to the bar but that s not my scene all the time.

So I made the decision to just. Go out with a friend. We had a great time. Her last story that she shared with me had us laughing so hard in the parking lot.

I woke up in a great mood. I’m getting together with another friend today. Lunch, thrift shopping. I know the conversations are going to be fun. This has been a week of little different adventures for me. But I’m slowly pushing myself to be more independent.

When I got home he must of made dinner because mine was in the fridge. He didn’t text to ask where i was or if i was coming home for dinner. Of course i thought about what he was doing while i was out . I didn’t check my phone. I just had a great time.

Looking forward to today.

So i did it i took a line dancing class. Went all by myself. Was crazy nervous. The first 3 dances went pretty well. Then the instructor stepped it up. I started missing steps. I got discouraged. The first hour was for beginners. They didn’t look like beginners to me. Eventually i sat down and just watched. The women running the class were very kind. I shared my email . I found myself getting teared up when i gave her the paper back with my information.

I found myself doubting if i could do this. Then i was reminded what i say to my students. “Do it afraid” who are you going to hurt. No one. I want to go back next week and try it again. I’ll admit my hips are sore just from that little bit of movement. LOL

I see my therapist for the second Time this week. Ive had some time to look at myself a bit. I’m re-listening to a book by Mel Robins, “Let Them”. There were some things I’ve heard differently this time. You can’t change someone that is not willing to change. So true. I’m expecting my husband of 43yrs to be more sensitive, to listen to what i am saying about how i feel. I realized I’ve been doing this for a very long time. He said he was getting bored of this conversation. I am too. So that what I’m trying to recreate myself and find my strength. I’m going to try and venture out more on my own and no think about him. His approval. He really could care less.

We have 3 boys all grown and doing pretty well. 5 grandchildren. Communication has always been something I’ve tried to have with everyone in my family. I need to stop pushing. “LET THEM”. I need to “LET ME” feel calm in my own skin about what I’m doing. I need to release everyone else from my mind and take care of me.

This is not going to be easy.

Everything I do I look for some kind of reaction from my husband. I get nothing.

I color my hair, nothing, I wear a nice or crazy outfit, nothing. I make a nice meal, nothing. He will tell me it needs more spices.

I need to stop wasting my time. I need to do stuff for me. I think I’m going to try line dancing tonight. But I can’t get out of my head that he won’t react at all.

I have decisions to make but it’s so hard.

I’ve been home for 6 days. I like being home. Cleaning, a little cooking, decorating.

I watch movies, listen to books. Does that make me boring?

My daily life is pretty busy. I’m a barber instructor/motivator. 40yrs in the business. Love my job. I’m okay with quiet. I like random car rides, flea markets and yard sales.

This sounds like I belong on a dating site. I need to follow what I like. I need to be comfortable in my own skin. Fill my days with what I like.

Finding Myself Again
For most of my life, I moved through life by doing what was expected — as a mom, a wife, and the dependable one everyone could count on. I didn’t realize how much I relied on other people’s opinions, or how often I waited for approval before making even simple choices.

The Wake-Up Moment
My wake-up moment was realizing I wouldn’t even drive to the beach — my happiest place — without wondering what my husband would think. Not because he’d stop me, but because somewhere along the way, I stopped checking in with myself.

Tides of Me
This blog is my beginning. My first wave. My first step into a current that is mine — even if it’s unfamiliar.
I’m learning to:

• Trust my own decisions
• Break old patterns
• Explore without guilt
• Rebuild independence
• Follow the current of my own life

For You
If you’ve spent years caring for everyone else, or you’re ready to step into your next chapter, you’re not alone. Here, we learn to live by our own currents — one tide at a time.

Welcome to Tides of Me. This is our new tide.